my kinda man
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SV1do6TuMBw
Monday, January 31, 2011
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
12611
"facebook official"
pardon my language (not that i'm out of control, but i'm trying to clean it up a bit), but fuck that phrase. why do i even care? that's what i'm wondering. i wake up every morning thinking i'm better, and that i don't care. the apathy is slowly wearing off. or can something wear off when it's not even there at all? i don't like this, that's pretty much all i can say. do i care? or is this just a different phase in the whole healing process? too many unanswered questions, why can't i ever seen to escape those, even when he's gone?
"wearing my heart on my sleeve has become just a touch too messy for me"
such an accurate, accurate phrase. on a more personal level of course. i really do feel like i seem to just put myself out on the playing field (whatever that is) again (or was i ever on there to begin with?), and the actions or signs of interest are never reciprocated. is there something wrong with me that i'm unaware of? did something change that made people not like me anymore? that sounds like such a superficial and needy and dependent sentence, but have i seriously become one of those three? all of those three? why is it that nice people really do finish last? have ALL cliches really come true? or am i not nice enough to be classified as the "nice" in that sentence? now that i think about it, maybe i am being a little ridiculous when i question whether or not i will find someone who will love me endlessly for the rest of my life, considering that i'm only 19 years old - i've got so much life ahead of me (knock on wood). or at least i'm expected to. and to break it down even more, it really does just take one moment in time for you to meet that one person. the question remains, though, how do you know if they're "the one?" god, i'm rambling. i never once understood the concept one one wearing their heart on their sleeve, and now that i do, it applies to me completely. maybe i was never meant to understand it at all.
pardon my language (not that i'm out of control, but i'm trying to clean it up a bit), but fuck that phrase. why do i even care? that's what i'm wondering. i wake up every morning thinking i'm better, and that i don't care. the apathy is slowly wearing off. or can something wear off when it's not even there at all? i don't like this, that's pretty much all i can say. do i care? or is this just a different phase in the whole healing process? too many unanswered questions, why can't i ever seen to escape those, even when he's gone?
"wearing my heart on my sleeve has become just a touch too messy for me"
such an accurate, accurate phrase. on a more personal level of course. i really do feel like i seem to just put myself out on the playing field (whatever that is) again (or was i ever on there to begin with?), and the actions or signs of interest are never reciprocated. is there something wrong with me that i'm unaware of? did something change that made people not like me anymore? that sounds like such a superficial and needy and dependent sentence, but have i seriously become one of those three? all of those three? why is it that nice people really do finish last? have ALL cliches really come true? or am i not nice enough to be classified as the "nice" in that sentence? now that i think about it, maybe i am being a little ridiculous when i question whether or not i will find someone who will love me endlessly for the rest of my life, considering that i'm only 19 years old - i've got so much life ahead of me (knock on wood). or at least i'm expected to. and to break it down even more, it really does just take one moment in time for you to meet that one person. the question remains, though, how do you know if they're "the one?" god, i'm rambling. i never once understood the concept one one wearing their heart on their sleeve, and now that i do, it applies to me completely. maybe i was never meant to understand it at all.
Friday, January 21, 2011
12011
i would really appreciate a nice kitten. a munchkin kitten, preferably. he'll be the only man in my life (besides feesh, of course) who will love me endlessly, and appreciate the little things i do for him (like feesh, of course). seems reasonable to me.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
(fortune) cookies
"everything you are against weakens you"
sweet. as if i needed a cookie-coated piece of paper to tell me that. it can't be coincidence that i'm the only one of three who got a shitty fortune.
sweet. as if i needed a cookie-coated piece of paper to tell me that. it can't be coincidence that i'm the only one of three who got a shitty fortune.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
axwecvinmp
that new post button is too tempting to click. so i caved and clicked it. cut me a break, i haven't done this in a while, it's a little bit of a thrill, even though what i'll type is probably a whole bunch of sappy, sad bullshit. wait, no. it's not bullshit. it's the truth. it's just that sometimes the truth is so shitty that the only way to describe it is shit. pure and utter shit. bla bla bla....
i want a companion. i'm in NEED of a companion. no, that makes me sound desperate. i don't just need any companion. i need a man. someone who i know will take care of me 'till the very end. someone who will love me inside and out, both verbally and..nounally? <------someone who won't make fun of me for shit like that. why does it seem so hard to find that nowadays? i'm not picky, my standards aren't too high. all i ask for is a sweetheart who knows how to love, or at least is willing to learn. but as each day goes by it starts to become more and more unrealistic to continue believing the old "he's out there" saying. who is out there? and how do we know? is there some "great oz" out there who knows every soul out there, tests out some compatibilities at random with two, and reserves them for each other later on down the road? that they'll one day just casually, accidentally, randomly bump in to each other in the street and the sparks will instantly fly? wait, what am i thinking, how dare i question the presence of a higher power than us. God is so much greater than that damn oz. but not everyone dies in the arms of their lover. what about the people who die alone against their own will? it's not like they planned it that way. i'm sure they wanted someone too, like the rest of us. everybody needs someone sometime, and no one in this world ever has or ever will deserve to spend the rest of their life alone. it's just scary, wondering if he really will come along. i just feel like i've got so much love to give and so much compassion and appreciation and happiness to share, i would hate for it just to stay with me forever. we can show all those things in our normal everyday lives in small, simple, subtle ways, like helping out those in need, being there for a friend, and showing any sort of appreciation to those who deserve it most. but in the end, we all want someone to come home to at the end of a rough day, or someones shoulder to rest our head on. it just is a bit frightening realizing that something as simple as that is asking for too much.
i want a companion. i'm in NEED of a companion. no, that makes me sound desperate. i don't just need any companion. i need a man. someone who i know will take care of me 'till the very end. someone who will love me inside and out, both verbally and..nounally? <------someone who won't make fun of me for shit like that. why does it seem so hard to find that nowadays? i'm not picky, my standards aren't too high. all i ask for is a sweetheart who knows how to love, or at least is willing to learn. but as each day goes by it starts to become more and more unrealistic to continue believing the old "he's out there" saying. who is out there? and how do we know? is there some "great oz" out there who knows every soul out there, tests out some compatibilities at random with two, and reserves them for each other later on down the road? that they'll one day just casually, accidentally, randomly bump in to each other in the street and the sparks will instantly fly? wait, what am i thinking, how dare i question the presence of a higher power than us. God is so much greater than that damn oz. but not everyone dies in the arms of their lover. what about the people who die alone against their own will? it's not like they planned it that way. i'm sure they wanted someone too, like the rest of us. everybody needs someone sometime, and no one in this world ever has or ever will deserve to spend the rest of their life alone. it's just scary, wondering if he really will come along. i just feel like i've got so much love to give and so much compassion and appreciation and happiness to share, i would hate for it just to stay with me forever. we can show all those things in our normal everyday lives in small, simple, subtle ways, like helping out those in need, being there for a friend, and showing any sort of appreciation to those who deserve it most. but in the end, we all want someone to come home to at the end of a rough day, or someones shoulder to rest our head on. it just is a bit frightening realizing that something as simple as that is asking for too much.
11811
i guess it's a little weird that i've returned to this blog rather than writing with an actual pen and actual paper. or continuing on some different blog i've started on some completely different site. especially since this blog is filled with all the shitty feelings and expressions i've been trying so hard to escape. whatever, maybe this could serve as a potential way of writing magical words and sweet nothings about someone else or something else on the same web page that i wrote literal nothings on. god, it feels so good to write, even if i am cheating. but hey, this is the modern way to write, isn't it? sort of. i don't know. it's his birthday today. oh shit, maybe i shouldn't even mention that, who the fuck cares? see, there i go again, putting up the pissy, bitchy front that i've become so accustomed to putting up for so long now. i can't believe that in april, 3 months from now, i'll probably still be in the same sinking ship that hit the iceberg a year ago. it's a little bizarre and almost dramatic-sounding in my opinion, but then again maybe i should cut myself some slack. "cause when you're 15 and somebody tells you they love you, you're gonna believe them." yeah, lots of t-swizz, as always. except i'm 19. god, what a fucking year it has been. do i even dare reminisce about it? wait, that's my lifestyle now, reminiscence. what a joke. hmm..1/18/11..2 of the ugliest numbers in the infinite chain.
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