and on the 8th day..

It's been a week and one day and as surprised as I am to say this, I feel okay. Not okay as in the 'I'm over it', I'm over him' okay, but the okay like 'I wanna smile again' okay. It just kind of sucks because in the past week, I've got this handful of stories and youtube videos and topics of conversation and ice cream flavors and a whole bunch of other things that I know I'd share with Myles if we were still together. Hmm..I dunno. I guess this is really it.

.

i really don't even know what to say anymore. it seems like even though he's gone, he's following me at the same time. i smell him randomly throughout the day - something that never used to happen. songs keep coming on that remind me of him, especially "take my breath away." and that itself is driving me crazy. not because i hate that song, or all the memories that come with it - it just makes me think of him. and as much as i want to, i don't at the same time. i don't want to cry anymore. i'm so god damn sick of crying. i'm sick of waking up in the morning thinking about it. i'm sick of going to bed trying to fall asleep, thinking about it. i'm tired of being nice to everyone who is nice to me just so i don't seem like a bitch, when in actuality, i don't want to interact with anyone. i'm tired of looking at my phone, i'm tired of waiting for a message, i'm tired of wondering if he's missing me, or even thinking about me. i'm so fucking tired of everything and i just don't want to hurt anymore but i know at this point that's too much to ask for. i just want to graduate and get the hell out of here and go to san francisco. get a fresh start. but even that won't help. i just wish he would text me, call me, see me already because i've got so much on my mind that i need to say, need to ask. why did he kiss me? did he think that would make me feel better? did he do it selfishly to make him feel better? did he do it out of pity? did he not know what else to do in the moment? why the fuck did he have to kiss me? did he think that it would make the picture a little clearer for me, make everything fall into place and make sense? because it sure as hell didn't. and i know god damn well he meant it because i could feel it in the way he kissed me. so why the fuck is he denying his feelings? if i didn't do anything wrong than why is he kicking me to the curb? why is he pushing me away? if he is seeking happiness why is he leaving me? i'm so fucking sick and tired of sitting here thinking i did something wrong, because even though he told me over and over and over and fucking over again that "it's not you, it's not you," and that it was him, i still think it's me. how fucking cliche and convenient for him to say that. "it's not you, it's me." god help me please..i don't want to hurt anymore.