just one of those ghosts

Sometimes I wish things were a little different. They say you shouldnt look to the past - only look forward to the future. But for me it seems like I wish a lot of the past was still in my future..or even my present for that matter. Things just seem so..different with Myles and I. I mean..I love him, more than I ever have before. So when I say that thins are different, I don't mean in terms of feelings..I mean moreso in terms of the expression of them..more specifically speaking. I just don't think Myles understands what I really mean half the time. Lately it seems like he just jumps to conclusions. And most of the time, he's wrong. I've told him before that it feels like he can't express himself around me, and I say that because I truly mean it. But he takes it as me being too sensitive and immature and not acknowledgingthe fact that "things are changing," and that " were growing up." And I'm all for changing for the better and growing up..but that's not even what I'm trying to say. I just..don't really feel appreciated anymore. And maybe I'm being too sensitive or too much of a girl about it or even too dramatic..but that's the best way to really put it in y own words. And to be completely honest, and as bad as this sounds, I almost wish that maybe, something would happen to me that would maybe make him appreciate me a little bit more than I feel at the moment. I know..that sounds awful..and I know I'm nowhere near perfect..but I just want to feel..special again..unique...know that he loves the person that I am solely because of who I am..and maybe I'm asking for too much. But it just feels like I can't even get an unforced response out of him when merely asking what he misses about me. I mean..I gladly tell him that I miss him and that I can't wait to see him whenever he's gone because its the truth, and I want him to know that because I know it makes him feel good. I just wish he knew how a simple little thing like that would make me feel..but sometimes I feel like he's too stubborn to are or to even say it. I don't know..maybe I'm just crazy..but I just wish, especially now, I could feel special again, because lately..I feel worthless, even if it is in the smallest way.

There's blood in my mouth 'cause I've been biting my tongue all week

Ahhhhh things are getting so damn difficult. I'm gaining weight (wow), and I just feel so..overwhelmed with things. School, softball, Myles, home, college..I don't even really know. It's like..I've got so many things to do for school, what with scholarships coming up and everything, and plus maintaining all my classes and grades and everything..I've just felt so lethargic lately and all I really wanna do is sleep because lately it seems like its the easiest thing to deal with. Being awake hasn't even really been as good as it used to be, which is saying a lot, I guess. There's so many things running through my mind at one time, it's like a never-ending credit list - all black and white. Things are either good..or they're bad. Softball is just...pathetic. We're going nowhere and it just pisses me off so much because I know that we should be a lot better than we have ever been. I've been waiting 8 years for a freaking successful season and I've been dreaming of my high school varsity years where we might actually put an MTAL championship title on that little blue banner since 1991. And in 3 god damn years we're still not able to do it..I'm just tired of working my ass off and almost..not getting anywhere with it..and I never mean to say that in any tone of arrogance or like I'm the one who does all the work; I never wanted to be that type of person who places themselves on this magical little pedestal and tries to take credit for everything. I just feel like sometimes it's a little overlooked and I'm fucking tired of hearing "well, you did your job and that's all you can do." And things with Myles are a little tense too..I mean, we aren't fighting or anything..not technically anyway. He thinks it is but I see it more as..serious conversation topics? Or..more serious than any other silly little conversation we have, because it's about us. And I dunno..lately, it's been about me feeling like he's been a little on edge. And I know he's under a lot of pressure being there with all his weekly classes everyday, trying to keep up and everything, and I don't want him to think that I don't understand, because I really do. Or I'm trying to as best as I can; I can't really empathize with him because obviously, I'm not in college yet. But I don't know..it's just..kinda bums me out a little I guess? Because talking to him, especially on the phone whenever we can, it's the thing I look most forward to in the day..especially when things seem so hard lately. Things are sort of tensing up a little bit more lately, and getting back to the way they were before I even met him, and that was honestly the worst time of my life. Before I met Myles..I didn't really have anyone else..at all. I couldn't talk to my mom - she'd kill me if she ever knew how long this has really been going on. I couldn't talk to my friends - I don't need any judgements or spilled secrets. All I could do was keep it to myself - and let it build up......and build up some more....and more...until finally I found myself in a deep enough hole that the only way I could get out would be with a hand other than my own. But now that I have someone that actually knows what I've been through, not because I've been caught, but because I voluntarily shared that with them..things are ironically..worse. I don't feel so..special anymore. I don't know, maybe this whole thing has just made me so sensitive or something..but I don't know..I guess I just wish I felt a little different than I do now..in all ways but one.