foolish games.

i'm so scared right now. do i text him or don't i? i want to but i know that i shouldn't. i'm looking up ways to get to him right now, any way possible. maybe i could leave early saturday morning. i wonder if it will even be worth it..

72410

all i know is that you're so nice. you're the nicest thing i've seen. i wish that we could give it a go, see if we could be something. i wish i was your favorite girl. i wish you thought i was the reason you were in the world. i wish my smile was your favorite kind of smile. i wish the way that i dress was your favorite kind of style. i wish you couldn't figure me out but you'd always want to know what i was about. i wish you'd hold my hand when i was upset. i wish you'd never forget the look on my face when we first met. i wish you had a favorite beauty spa that you loved secretly 'cause it was on a hidden bit that nobody else could see. basically, i wish that you loved me. i wish that you needed me. i wish that you knew when i said "two sugars" actually i meant three. i wish that without me your heart would break. i wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake. i wish that without me you couldn't eat. i wish i was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep. look, all i know is that you're the nicest thing i've ever seen, and i wish we could see if we could be something.

and on the 8th day..

It's been a week and one day and as surprised as I am to say this, I feel okay. Not okay as in the 'I'm over it', I'm over him' okay, but the okay like 'I wanna smile again' okay. It just kind of sucks because in the past week, I've got this handful of stories and youtube videos and topics of conversation and ice cream flavors and a whole bunch of other things that I know I'd share with Myles if we were still together. Hmm..I dunno. I guess this is really it.

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i really don't even know what to say anymore. it seems like even though he's gone, he's following me at the same time. i smell him randomly throughout the day - something that never used to happen. songs keep coming on that remind me of him, especially "take my breath away." and that itself is driving me crazy. not because i hate that song, or all the memories that come with it - it just makes me think of him. and as much as i want to, i don't at the same time. i don't want to cry anymore. i'm so god damn sick of crying. i'm sick of waking up in the morning thinking about it. i'm sick of going to bed trying to fall asleep, thinking about it. i'm tired of being nice to everyone who is nice to me just so i don't seem like a bitch, when in actuality, i don't want to interact with anyone. i'm tired of looking at my phone, i'm tired of waiting for a message, i'm tired of wondering if he's missing me, or even thinking about me. i'm so fucking tired of everything and i just don't want to hurt anymore but i know at this point that's too much to ask for. i just want to graduate and get the hell out of here and go to san francisco. get a fresh start. but even that won't help. i just wish he would text me, call me, see me already because i've got so much on my mind that i need to say, need to ask. why did he kiss me? did he think that would make me feel better? did he do it selfishly to make him feel better? did he do it out of pity? did he not know what else to do in the moment? why the fuck did he have to kiss me? did he think that it would make the picture a little clearer for me, make everything fall into place and make sense? because it sure as hell didn't. and i know god damn well he meant it because i could feel it in the way he kissed me. so why the fuck is he denying his feelings? if i didn't do anything wrong than why is he kicking me to the curb? why is he pushing me away? if he is seeking happiness why is he leaving me? i'm so fucking sick and tired of sitting here thinking i did something wrong, because even though he told me over and over and over and fucking over again that "it's not you, it's not you," and that it was him, i still think it's me. how fucking cliche and convenient for him to say that. "it's not you, it's me." god help me please..i don't want to hurt anymore.

030610

just got out of the shower. it was comforting being able to cry without knowing whether or not really i am. and the strong heat of the shower was nice. it was nice being able to feel something for a change. even if it was hurting my skin. i don't even feel like getting out of the towel. maybe ill just sleep in it on the floor for tonight. i probably would if i was alone for the night. it still kinda feels like i am. now i really wish something would happen that was out of my control. i guess i could have made myself vulnerable to something by going to the party tonight. things always happen at paries. no..i'd rather not. maybe i'll turn off my phone. go for another drive. find another empty lot and park. stare out the window for a while. drive somewhere else. park. stare. again. and again and again. and again. until it seems like someone is wondering where i am. or maybe ill just sleep. i'm not sure what else there is to say anymore.

just one of those ghosts

Sometimes I wish things were a little different. They say you shouldnt look to the past - only look forward to the future. But for me it seems like I wish a lot of the past was still in my future..or even my present for that matter. Things just seem so..different with Myles and I. I mean..I love him, more than I ever have before. So when I say that thins are different, I don't mean in terms of feelings..I mean moreso in terms of the expression of them..more specifically speaking. I just don't think Myles understands what I really mean half the time. Lately it seems like he just jumps to conclusions. And most of the time, he's wrong. I've told him before that it feels like he can't express himself around me, and I say that because I truly mean it. But he takes it as me being too sensitive and immature and not acknowledgingthe fact that "things are changing," and that " were growing up." And I'm all for changing for the better and growing up..but that's not even what I'm trying to say. I just..don't really feel appreciated anymore. And maybe I'm being too sensitive or too much of a girl about it or even too dramatic..but that's the best way to really put it in y own words. And to be completely honest, and as bad as this sounds, I almost wish that maybe, something would happen to me that would maybe make him appreciate me a little bit more than I feel at the moment. I know..that sounds awful..and I know I'm nowhere near perfect..but I just want to feel..special again..unique...know that he loves the person that I am solely because of who I am..and maybe I'm asking for too much. But it just feels like I can't even get an unforced response out of him when merely asking what he misses about me. I mean..I gladly tell him that I miss him and that I can't wait to see him whenever he's gone because its the truth, and I want him to know that because I know it makes him feel good. I just wish he knew how a simple little thing like that would make me feel..but sometimes I feel like he's too stubborn to are or to even say it. I don't know..maybe I'm just crazy..but I just wish, especially now, I could feel special again, because lately..I feel worthless, even if it is in the smallest way.

There's blood in my mouth 'cause I've been biting my tongue all week

Ahhhhh things are getting so damn difficult. I'm gaining weight (wow), and I just feel so..overwhelmed with things. School, softball, Myles, home, college..I don't even really know. It's like..I've got so many things to do for school, what with scholarships coming up and everything, and plus maintaining all my classes and grades and everything..I've just felt so lethargic lately and all I really wanna do is sleep because lately it seems like its the easiest thing to deal with. Being awake hasn't even really been as good as it used to be, which is saying a lot, I guess. There's so many things running through my mind at one time, it's like a never-ending credit list - all black and white. Things are either good..or they're bad. Softball is just...pathetic. We're going nowhere and it just pisses me off so much because I know that we should be a lot better than we have ever been. I've been waiting 8 years for a freaking successful season and I've been dreaming of my high school varsity years where we might actually put an MTAL championship title on that little blue banner since 1991. And in 3 god damn years we're still not able to do it..I'm just tired of working my ass off and almost..not getting anywhere with it..and I never mean to say that in any tone of arrogance or like I'm the one who does all the work; I never wanted to be that type of person who places themselves on this magical little pedestal and tries to take credit for everything. I just feel like sometimes it's a little overlooked and I'm fucking tired of hearing "well, you did your job and that's all you can do." And things with Myles are a little tense too..I mean, we aren't fighting or anything..not technically anyway. He thinks it is but I see it more as..serious conversation topics? Or..more serious than any other silly little conversation we have, because it's about us. And I dunno..lately, it's been about me feeling like he's been a little on edge. And I know he's under a lot of pressure being there with all his weekly classes everyday, trying to keep up and everything, and I don't want him to think that I don't understand, because I really do. Or I'm trying to as best as I can; I can't really empathize with him because obviously, I'm not in college yet. But I don't know..it's just..kinda bums me out a little I guess? Because talking to him, especially on the phone whenever we can, it's the thing I look most forward to in the day..especially when things seem so hard lately. Things are sort of tensing up a little bit more lately, and getting back to the way they were before I even met him, and that was honestly the worst time of my life. Before I met Myles..I didn't really have anyone else..at all. I couldn't talk to my mom - she'd kill me if she ever knew how long this has really been going on. I couldn't talk to my friends - I don't need any judgements or spilled secrets. All I could do was keep it to myself - and let it build up......and build up some more....and more...until finally I found myself in a deep enough hole that the only way I could get out would be with a hand other than my own. But now that I have someone that actually knows what I've been through, not because I've been caught, but because I voluntarily shared that with them..things are ironically..worse. I don't feel so..special anymore. I don't know, maybe this whole thing has just made me so sensitive or something..but I don't know..I guess I just wish I felt a little different than I do now..in all ways but one.

Dear....anybody?

I really need to get my priorities straight. I feel as though things are kind of blurred and meshed together and they aren't really making much sense anymore. Everything and everyone else around me seem to be changing while I lag further and further behind, and that distance between myself and the rest of the world seems to be getting greater. There are things that I am doing wrong, and the worst part is not the fact that I'm doing it, but rather the dreaded fact that I seem to be witnessing myself from the third-person point of view as I'm doing it without my hands up to try and stop myself from continuing. And it is only now that I am beginning to see just how deep the hole I've been digging myself is getting. Consequentially, of course. I'm just praying that God gives me the strength that I know I've had all along to learn to hold myself back, and to learn to put some restraint on a lot of my actions. And most of all, I pray that Myles continues to have faith in me and in us.