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just got out of the shower. it was comforting being able to cry without knowing whether or not really i am. and the strong heat of the shower was nice. it was nice being able to feel something for a change. even if it was hurting my skin. i don't even feel like getting out of the towel. maybe ill just sleep in it on the floor for tonight. i probably would if i was alone for the night. it still kinda feels like i am. now i really wish something would happen that was out of my control. i guess i could have made myself vulnerable to something by going to the party tonight. things always happen at paries. no..i'd rather not. maybe i'll turn off my phone. go for another drive. find another empty lot and park. stare out the window for a while. drive somewhere else. park. stare. again. and again and again. and again. until it seems like someone is wondering where i am. or maybe ill just sleep. i'm not sure what else there is to say anymore.